Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn't be financially viable to try and sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
okay so two strawberries were in a bathtub together then the first one says "pass me the soap" then the second one says "what do i look like...A TYPEWRITER!?!"
What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the car?
Robin, get in the car.
Two fish are in a tank. It is an average sized tank designed to hold aquatic animals.
"I sure am hungry." the sleepy bear said.
So he found some berries, but spit them out.
"These berries are far too bitter." the playful bear said.
He then found some honey, however was soon bombarded with a swarm of bees.
"That honey is good, but not that good." the jolly bear said.
He then stumbled upon a cabin.
"I wonder if there is any food in here..." the curteous bear wondered.
The events that followed are now reffered to by the locals as the May 20th Massacre. While no witnesses survived, the police reports depict that the Martinez family, a young family of 7 enjoying their memorial day weekend in their New Hampshire cabin, was brutally slain by a blood-thirsty animal who tracked each of them throughout the house in a period of approximately 45 minutes.
What do you get when you cross sodium citrate, citric acid, benzyl alcohol, monoethanolamine, sodium benzoate, gylcol disterate, FD&C Yellow #5, ammonium lauryl sulfate, methylisothiazolinone, fragrances/perfumes, FD&C Blue #1, sodium chloride, zinc pyrithione, methylchloroisothiazolinone, ammonium xylenesulfonate, ammonium laureth sulfate, cetyl alcohol, cocamide, guar hydropropyltrimonium chloride, 1-Decene, homopolymer, hydrogenated, trimethylolpropane tricaprylate and water?
Head & Shoulders Dandruff Shampoo for Fine-Oily Hair
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What has two legs, and is red all over?
Half a cat.
Why the girl fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
what do you call a grammatically incorrect horse?
A Muslim walked into a bomb shop.
Turns out he was in the wrong store so he left and went on with his day.
What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
When I see a Porsche on the street, I think to myself, "that's a nice car," but when I see a pile of dead babies on the street I scream, "OH DEAR BOB WHY?!?! WHY?!?! WHERE IS THE MONSTER THAT KILLED THESE POOR BABIES?!?!" I then quickly alert the authorities of the hideous crime before vomiting profusely and crying until my tear ducts run dry. I sustain irreversible psychological damage and the image of hundreds of cruelly murdered infants prevents me from sleeping at night.
A daring man proclaimed "Well, here goes nothing!" And nothing happened.
Bob: Hey Jim, if you were a caveman, you would die.
Bob: Cuz everybody dies.
How do you stop a bus? Throw small children in front of it
Roses are Red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a Schizophrenic
And so am I
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
"I don't know anyone by that name. Please go away."
You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends. But you can't rob a bank. That's a felony
What do you call a black man on the moon?
why did the chicken cross the road?
because chickens are very absent-minded creatures. the chances are the chicken saw some form of bug or other edible life form from across the road and decided to venture over in that direction. if the road was not there, the chicken would most likely have still crossed that same expanse of ground, regardless of potential consequences.
What do you call 10,000 lawyers jumping out of a plane?
A world record sky diving group, and an improbably large aircraft.
What did Grandma give little Ben for Christmas?
Nothing.She died on Thanksgiving day.
Today I decided to burn alot of calories. So I found a fat kid and lit him on fire.
Scenario: 2 astronauts kayaking in the sahara dessert
Question: How many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse
Answer: Purple, because ice cream has no bones
Q. How do you know when you've had too much juice?
A. Your dead
When SCUBA diving, why is it important to fall backward off the side of the boat?
Because if you fell forward, you would still be in the boat.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Oh hi Steve, come in
Why didn't Johnny ride his bike to school today?
He had his legs amputated. He'll never ride his bike again.
A man walked into the doctors office and said,"Doctor, Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this!" The doctor thought for a moment an said,"Yes, you have shattered both of your kneecaps. You will never walk again."
Whats big and white and will kill you if it falls from a tree?
So, a man walks into a bar. Suddenly, the universe around him cracks, unable to sustain the weight of infinite potential punchlines. He tumbles through an empty void amongst shards of his broken reality.
Q: What's the difference between a mountain goat and a pitching wedge?
A: A lot
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: "Where's my tractor?!"
What do a bucket and a women have in common? Before 1928 neither had the right to vote.
what do you call a black man with no arms or legs sitting on a porch?
His life is hard enough with out being subject to social rudeness
My aunt said slow and steady wins the race,
she died in a fire.
What happens when you choke a smurf?
Friends are a lot like trees, as they both fall down when hit multiple times with an axe.
Me: Ask me if i'm a truck.
You: Are you a truck?
The mailman who?
You are so dumb.
What did Timmy want for Christmas?
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why the long face?" The horse says "I have cancer."
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father!
Darth Vader: Yes.
Does this rag smell like chloroform?
Why did the man fall off his bike?
I threw a fridge at him
My mother always said that jumping in piles of leaves was fun.
That was before she was swallowed whole by a 10 foot scorpion.
Why did the Jew pick up the penny lying on the sidewalk?
Because he dropped it.
Once upon a time there was a boy standing up.
Then he sat down
What's the difference between a duck?
An armchair, because a vest has no sleeves.
You ever notice when geese fly in a V there is one line that is always longer than the other?
Do you know why that is?
Because there are more geese in that line.
What has eyes but can't see?
A blind person.
What's big and white and can't climb trees?
What did one duck say to the other?
If you riding a jet-ski amd the wheels fall of, how many pancakes does it take to cover a dog house?
Blue Ice Cream
whats brown and sticky?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a Smarties, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "Crap, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.